Electric City vs. Wheels of Steel
(Indecision and Panic Attacks)
Before last weekend, I had planned to move out of my house by October 1. Since the NY-apartment plans have fallen through, however, the past two days have been emotionally draining for me. True, I was still exhausted from the trip, but I've also been in a near-constant panic because I still feel it's incredibly important that I leave my hometown as soon as possible. All I've really been able to think for 48 hours has been "what do I do now? what do I do now? what do I do now?" as I imagine scenarios for Plans A, B, and now, C.
Plan A: Rent in NYC.
Plan B: Establish ourselves by subletting for one to three months.
Plan C: Move to Pittsburgh for a year to work and save.
Those of you who know me well [read: at all] know that Pittsburgh has never been an option for me. Really, nowhere has ever been an option except for New York, and I like it that way. New York, to me, has always represented my ultimate success. I like when people tell me that they could never handle the city, because I thrive on being a strong person. I love knowing that I am physically weak but can still handle the city; I've done it. On Saturday I spent the majority of the time walking half a block ahead of Aaron and my mother, because I felt independent and beautiful and happy. I just wanted to be strong and by myself. At one point, I realized how confident I felt because my eyes looked straight ahead as I drove, taking in everything around me and meeting the eyes of fellow New Yorkers. I can't remember the last time I've made eye-contact here, because I find myself always looking down.
But while I know I'm mentally able to conquer the city, physically I am not -- at least not in the neighborhoods I'd be living in at first. I physically cannot handle long subway rides and hours on a bus. At the time I'll be fine, but on weekends I'll crash. I need to be able to afford a better, more expensive neighborhood for commuting's sake and accessibility's sake. I need to be below 96th Street if not in Midtown or Downtown, but I also need more money. With Plan B, I have more than enough money to sublet for three months in my chosen neighborhood, but at the end of those months, then what? What if our jobs still can't support a quality apartment? What if we can't even find an accessible place in time? Am I just supposed to give up a great city job and go home? That will destroy me, and I'm becoming more and more certain that I can't risk that happening.
Enter Plan C. I began researching Pittsburgh apartments a little over a week ago when my mother was insisting on a back-up plan. I really only took her seriously for one day, but it was enough to implant the idea in my mind. Surely I could get some job in Pittsburgh, even if it's a civil-service job as a clerk typist. Hell, I'd be making $21,000. In a year I can save 10 grand. There's also a technical writing and design firm on the South Side that looks hip and fun, and I would love to work for them. My city snobbery is influencing this decision, though, and making me extremely picky about where I want to live. I want to live in The Pennsylvanian on Liberty Avenue. For the cost of a Washington Heights studio, I can get a beautiful one bedroom in the heart of downtown Pittsburgh. If I have to postpone my dream for a year, you bet your ass I'm doing it in style. And Pittsburgh is just a way to ensure that I get the life I truly want in New York.
Plan A: Rent in NYC.
Plan B: Establish ourselves by subletting for one to three months.
Plan C: Move to Pittsburgh for a year to work and save.
Those of you who know me well [read: at all] know that Pittsburgh has never been an option for me. Really, nowhere has ever been an option except for New York, and I like it that way. New York, to me, has always represented my ultimate success. I like when people tell me that they could never handle the city, because I thrive on being a strong person. I love knowing that I am physically weak but can still handle the city; I've done it. On Saturday I spent the majority of the time walking half a block ahead of Aaron and my mother, because I felt independent and beautiful and happy. I just wanted to be strong and by myself. At one point, I realized how confident I felt because my eyes looked straight ahead as I drove, taking in everything around me and meeting the eyes of fellow New Yorkers. I can't remember the last time I've made eye-contact here, because I find myself always looking down.
But while I know I'm mentally able to conquer the city, physically I am not -- at least not in the neighborhoods I'd be living in at first. I physically cannot handle long subway rides and hours on a bus. At the time I'll be fine, but on weekends I'll crash. I need to be able to afford a better, more expensive neighborhood for commuting's sake and accessibility's sake. I need to be below 96th Street if not in Midtown or Downtown, but I also need more money. With Plan B, I have more than enough money to sublet for three months in my chosen neighborhood, but at the end of those months, then what? What if our jobs still can't support a quality apartment? What if we can't even find an accessible place in time? Am I just supposed to give up a great city job and go home? That will destroy me, and I'm becoming more and more certain that I can't risk that happening.
Enter Plan C. I began researching Pittsburgh apartments a little over a week ago when my mother was insisting on a back-up plan. I really only took her seriously for one day, but it was enough to implant the idea in my mind. Surely I could get some job in Pittsburgh, even if it's a civil-service job as a clerk typist. Hell, I'd be making $21,000. In a year I can save 10 grand. There's also a technical writing and design firm on the South Side that looks hip and fun, and I would love to work for them. My city snobbery is influencing this decision, though, and making me extremely picky about where I want to live. I want to live in The Pennsylvanian on Liberty Avenue. For the cost of a Washington Heights studio, I can get a beautiful one bedroom in the heart of downtown Pittsburgh. If I have to postpone my dream for a year, you bet your ass I'm doing it in style. And Pittsburgh is just a way to ensure that I get the life I truly want in New York.
posted by Claire C. Cake at 9:53 AM
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